


Departure!

by Charm545



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Idol AU, M/M, Threats, based on the character songs, fake singers, gon being a ball of sunshine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-03-25 16:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3816637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charm545/pseuds/Charm545
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua has always lived in the shadows of the music industry, to the point where his own heart has grown dark and bitter. What will happen when he meets someone who wants to brings him to the light?</p><p>Idol AU where Killua is a "shadow" singer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Behind the curtain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua is miserable so he gets drunk, and maybe that's why he stops feeling so miserable, but this person he's leaning on might have something to do with it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based off the show's character songs so you should listen to them while reading this! For now it's mainly Killua's song: "Tell me". 
> 
> Here's a link! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-zJgVn5PKw
> 
> The name of this fic, "Departure!", is actually the name of the hunterxhunter opening song, which there will be references to in later chapters.

The music begins, blaring mercilessly through the speakers to the wild approval of the crowd. Fog spreads across the stage and lights gleam on cue to the beat. A boy clenches his hand slowly over the mic, and his eyes are as wild as the beating of his heart, every note sinking into his pores and flooding him with adrenalin. 

On stage, a woman’s high heel boots click as she makes her way to the center, fashioned cloak floating behind her. The audience cheers through fits of screams, while the boy buries his chin against his chest in a bitter smile. 

He knows those screams are for him.

His head snaps up and he pulls the mic towards him. The lyrics pour out of his lips as he closes his eyes and loses himself. In that moment there is no Machi, dancing robotically to a planned choreography; no curtain before him, hiding him from sight: there is only him and his music. Killua lets his tension be released- slashing his arm through the air, whipping his hair and feeling the blood sloshing in his head. These were the moments he felt truly alive.

 _“ **Now** , **here** , what should I do?” _ He stops moving, lowering his head and deepening his voice. _“You know, I don’t know. I don't have any answers.”_ Hands grip at his hair as he pulls his head back. His body trembles, while Machi gives a little spin that would seem out of place in the song if anyone truly paid attention. Killua reached the chorus and his strength and passion escalated. 

 _“I can't help it! Yes, there is nothing! I understand that! Saying again with that resigned smile 'so bad'. Always, forever, it will keep haunting me. The 'me' of the past is still here?"_ He’s reached the point where he is a maniac mess, signaling the concert’s climax, even though Machi is as calm as ever. “ _Tell me!”_

By now he’s toppled a few boxes over and his hair is standing everywhere and he's breathing hard as if he had just run miles and miles uphill but his eyes are wide and bright and his arms are raised as he receives the roaring applauses, facing only that dark burgundy curtain.

* * *

Killua walks out through the backstage door into the parking lot, hands buried in his pockets, hoodie dipped over his face. It does nothing to hide the darkness in his stormy eyes, which make a few people shudder as he passes by.

_‘A good day’s work.’_

That’s what his manager had said easily to him after the concert. Killua cursed and forced himself to keep control.

 _“A day’s work? A day’s work?! This isn’t just some game!  Some girl going around playing idol.”_ The boy thought with hatred burning at the terrible hole in his chest. _“This is the selling of my soul.”_

In a blind fit of anger, he made his way to the nearest bar, finding the counter and barking an order for anything strong.

“Aren’t we too young for these sorts?” The tender began, but the hatred in those eyes was no childish matter and he handed over the drink with no further comment. 

Yes, he was only 16, but this had been going on way before anyway. 

Killua cursed again, refusing to think of the past and instead drowning his emotions in liquor. To his great fortune, it was karaoke night at the bar. The boy let his hood fall and he grinned with almost a hint of humor, raising his arm tipsily for the first turn. With one last shot, he stumbled to the stage and felt eyes on him.

“Hey, kid!” The organizer yelled. “What song?”

The boy repeated the name of his hit song, the same he had sang for a sold out concert moments ago.

“Machi, huh? Good luck.”

The music began, and the boy’s shoulders shook with laughter.

 _Yes..._ He thought with irony. _This is how it began, wasn’t it?_ He grinned in his drunken state. _How he found me._ He took a step forward.

A voice flew through the speakers- potent and somehow completely steady despite the drinks. Everyone perked up suddenly, eyes widening as the air instantly changed. A few people took out their phones.

Yes, he remembered it perfectly. It had been at a bar just like this. Killua had gotten a little excited with the drinking, being his first time and all, and he had let himself go crazy on the kareokee. The audience had gone wild, and he had thought nothing of it but of how fun it had been… until someone searched him out that night. 

 _‘You’ve got power, kid.’_ The dark suited man had stated with security. _‘You’re going to go far'._  At that time he had believed him, heck for a ridiculously _pathetic_ moment he truly thought that man would make him a star.

He gave a violent jump to the beat of the song, making everyone hold their breath for a second before the chorus continued. Everyone was cheering and the atmosphere was almost the same it had been at the concert before. Killua let himself go, running around and basking in the sensation of finally being in the spotlight. 

He flashed a look at a phone and grinned wickedly at the knowledge that Chrollo would be upset because of this. Stay out of sight… keep your voice hidden…

 _“Now, here, what should I do?”_  

Yes… what should he do…

_“You know, I don’t know. I don’t have any answers.”_

He didn’t want to be in the shadows anymore. 

 _“I can't help it! Yes, there is nothing! I understand that!"_  His shoulders shook with a giggle. _“Saying with that same resigned smile ‘so bad’.”_

There wasn’t a way out of this, was there? No… these were the only moments where he could truly be himself…

He gasped for air before diving into the chorus once again, not a single person in the room looking anywhere but at him. He let the buzzing caused by the alcohol and the music to take over his mind...

* * *

“Thank you so much again, Kurapika!” Gon said gratefully as he took off his backpack and pushed it over the counter to take it home later. The slightly older boy across the bar smiled kindly with a shake of his head.

“You’re aunt has always been so good to me, It’s really no trouble at all.” Gon pouted childishly in reply.

“If only I could work here then we wouldn’t have to bother you!”

“It’s bad enough you come here so often, Gon. You do realize you shouldn’t be in these places at all at your age?” The blonde joked as he finished whipping a glass clean.  Gon spun in his chair, pout replaced with a bright look. 

“I don’t know why! Mito-san’s bar is such a nice place! People sing here and dance here and they always look so happy!”

 _That’s cause they’re drunk._ Kurapika sighed in amused defeat. Even at 16, Gon was still the most innocent and optimistic person he knew. 

“Well, you should probably leave soon anyway.” The blonde insisted, putting down the last glass and leaning against the counter. “You must have homework and things to study.”

“Aw, Kurapika! I want to be with you here!” The blonde raised a finger in parental-like scorn, but a grin remained on his face. 

“No buts! You need to go upstairs and work.” 

Gon groaned and was about to slip off his chair when Kurapika’s eyes gleamed.

“Oh, won’t you look at that.” He said suddenly, crossing his arms. “Your schoolbag is over the bar, and the rules say no one under 21 can take anything from here.” Gon’s eyes widened in excitement. Kurapika gave a fake shrug. “Looks like there’s nothing we can do until it’s my break in an hour, and I come out and give it to you.” Gon gave a happy cheer.

“Thank you, Kurapika!”

“You’re too easy on him.” A voice said behind Gon, making the boy turn happily towards it.

“Leorio!” He cheered, disregarding that comment completely.

“Don’t you, ‘Leorio’ me!” The tall brunette said with an obviously fake scowl. “Your innocent act wont work! You already got my boyfriend stuck in a bar for the rest of the day.”

Kurapika leaned forward and met Leorio in a quick kiss. The blonde went back to organizing the clean glasses. There was the sound of a chair nearby  being moved and a person walking away. Leorio gave a snicker under his breath which did not go unnoticed by either boy.

“What’s so funny?” Kurapika raised an eyebrow. Leorio smirked.

“That guy had been watching you for a while now. He looked preee-tty disappointed when I came over and kissed you.” He said with a hint of pride. The blonde rolled his eyes and went towards a patron who was ordering a drink.

Gon smiled before turning to the stage, where the karaoke night was about to begin. He really enjoyed watching people preform (he never judged anyone’s talent, only the effort they put into it) and mentally thanked Kurapika once again for letting him stay.

“Evening, everyone!” a man called out through the mic. “It's KARAOKE NIGHT! Who's up first?”

A hand was raised a few seats away from where Gon was on the counter. The boy looked over the other people, and his eyes widened as he spotted that particular person.

“Huh.” He mused. “He looks almost as old as me.”

“That’s true, what the hell’s he doing here.” He heard Leorio’s voice behind him, but Gon couldn’t take his eyes off this new person. He was suddenly terribly interested. The boy walked slightly tipsily up the stage, and Gon realized he had been drinking.

“Good thing Kurapika didn’t tend to him.” He murmured, and Leorio chuckled at the thought. Yes, the blonde would definitely be angry at whoever sold alcohol to a minor.

“Let’s just enjoy the show for now, it’s bound to get interesting.” The older brunette took out his phone with a grin. “And by interesting I mean internet-worthy _embarrassing_.”  

For some reason, Gon didn’t think that was what was going to happen. His eyes followed the boy up the stage where he was asked the song he’d choose. He replied easily, a strange looking smile on his face.

The music began and no one was really paying attention except for Gon (and Leorio), but that all changed at the first phrase. Immediately, Gon felt a chill run through him, his eyes widening in awe. Leorio’s jaw had dropped as he looked away from his phone and directly at the boy on the stage. 

Gon couldn’t blink, couldn’t breath, as he held onto his every word. They were all dripping with feelings, hard and bitter and biting, but with such depth that he felt immediately drawn to them. The boy moved and danced with a hint of desperation, but it just somehow enhanced all the emotions. His voice rose and curled and pitched at all the right moments with undoubtable skill, and everyone was cheering and standing, feeling overly adrenalized.

The chorus passed, and the boy paused his wild movements, eyes looking down.

_“There is no doubt, there is no tomorrow, yesterday or now."_

Gon didn't understand what he was experiencing, but his heart was raising and clenching at those words, somehow knowing without a doubt that they meant something terribly deep to this person.

 _“All the days spent alone, every day spent alone.”_ The white haired boy’s head rose, and he was smiling despite his words.

Gon knew in that moment that he needed to reach out to him.

The boy returned to his frenzy, the audience going wild. Gon suddenly registered the fact that Leorio was yelling behind him but he could barely hear him from all the noise.

"HE SOUNDS JUST LIKE IT. HE SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE MACHI. “ Gon had never heard a Machi song before, but he had heard the name being mentioned a lot lately. That didn’t really matter to him as much as the simple quality the boy’s performance.

_There’s no way that Machi sings it like him…_

This continued- the electrified atmosphere, the inability to look away -until the song came to an end, the boy slowly stopping his movement and lulling lightly back and forth on the spot. Everyone roared and clapped, many speaking to each other rapidly and nodding as if agreeing profoundly on something. Gon didn’t think any of it as he saw the boy lose whatever strength had been keeping him upright during his crazy concert as his knees buckled while taking a step off the stage.

Gon hadn’t even thought of moving when he was already at the boy’s side, clutching at him and setting a limp arm over his shoulders.

“Can you stand?” Gon asked as he carried most of the boy’s weight while trying not to fall down the few steps. The boy giggled.

“Yeah, yeah.” He moved a leg forward and seemed to be able to push himself upright a bit. Gon helped him down the steps and pushed his way through the crowd. “The bar’s good.” He said as they walked past it. Gon frowned.

“You’ll want to drink more, right?” 

“Well, _duh_. It’s why people go to bars!” 

“People could just go to have fun…” That made the boy blink in surprise for a moment, before moving his head and trying to get a look at who he was talking to.  “A-and anyway, you shouldn’t drink anymore!”

The boy frowned for a moment in what seemed like confusion.

“How old are you?” 

“What? How old are _you!_ ”

“I asked you first.” The boy seemed to find this funny suddenly, smirking while burying his face against Gon’s neck.

“Fine! 16.”

“Me too.” Huh, Gon hadn’t expected to actually be the same age.

The boy seemed oddly comfortable against his side now and seemed almost like he was falling asleep. That song must have really tired him. Gon jumped in surprise when he suddenly pulled away and started walking towards the bar.

“S-stop it!” Gon caught him again, and the boy whined.

“ _You_ stop it!” The spiky brunette pulled him back a bit, and that was almost enough for him to lose his balance.

“How were you dancing so much a second ago!” Gon asked with slight awe. The boy looked him in the eye with a grin. 

“I’m a _professional_.” Somehow, Gon believed him. He wanted to know more, to spend time with this person and talk to them (honestly even in this inhibited state he liked the boy already) but he knew it would be best to call it a day.

“H-hey, I think you need to sleep.” The boy leaned against Gon again, letting his head fall against his shoulder this time. 

“Sleep… yeah, that might not be so bad…” He murmured against the fabric of Gon’s shirt.

Gon looked up towards the bar and quickly caught Kurapika’s eye, who was clearly making a _‘who is he?!’_ sign, which Gon responded with a quick _‘come!’_ motion.

Kurapika cursed before going around the bar and running, with Leorio at his heels.

“Help me take him upstairs.” Gon said to the blonde, who nodded before taking the boy’s other arm and setting it around his shoulders.

“Wha-“ Killua pulled back slightly and Kurapika got a look at his flushed face. “Where are we going?” The blonde scowled suddenly, turning towards the bar.

“ _Who gave alcohol to this boy?!_ ” He glared accusingly at the other 2 tenders, who avoided his intimidating gaze. Leorio patted him on the shoulder and Kurapika sighed in frustration. “The keys are in my pocket, can you get them?” He did and the blonde noded. “Open the door for us, will you?” They began to move towards the back door. 

“I live here, upstairs.” Gon explained with a hint of worry to the almost all but gone boy. “My aunt owns the place.” He laughed tipsily in response. 

“Living at a bar! That would be so _fun._ Fun fun all the time…” Gon couldn’t help giggle a little. Then the boy looked up and made eye contact. “I’m Killua.”

“I’m Gon.” He said with a smile.

* * *

“Yes, that door, please.” Kurpakia struggled to lead the two boys over the long set of stairs and through the hall to Gon’s room. Leorio opened the corresponding door, and the blonde practically threw Killua onto the bed, Gon falling on with him. The white hair boy laughed as they bounced lightly. Kurapika pressed his finger tips against his temples in frustration.

 “I need to go back downstairs but I’ll check on you later.” Gon barely heard him as he felt Killua move and throw an arm over his chest. The two 21 year olds exited the room, with whispers of ‘ _you’re such a mother’_ and ‘ _shut up’_.

Killua’s breaths were already growing steady as he mindlessly clung to the boy under him. His nose was pressing against Gon’s cheek, and the brunette felt a nice warmth rush to them.

“Gnight, Gon.” Killua said almost happily. Gon’s question of whether he should leave or not vanished as he smiled almost giddily.

Kurapika would be coming later, and he’d be angry that he hadn't done any of his school work all day, but he would definitely not break the peaceful scene that had formed after so much madness.

“Good night, Killua.” He whispered back, letting his eyes slip closed. 


	2. Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon cannot possibly be human: No one has a smile all bright like that that makes it feel like all your problems just go away by looking at it. It's definitely not normal.

Laying on his side, Gon opened his eyes and caught sight of a white haired boy right across from him, still sleeping pleasantly (judging by the sound of his snores).

With a blink of surprise and a quick flood of understanding, Gon smiled brightly and watched him for a second before sitting up and stretching, Killua’s arm still hanging lightly over his waist. Gon sent another smile his way before carefully pealing himself away and noiselessly make way for the room across the hall.

Although he had only half expected for it to be empty, he was still pleasantly surprised to see Leorio and Kurapika there. The tall brunette was looking at his phone screen as he drank coffee, while Kurapika was cooking in the kitchen.

“You guys!” He said happily, both turning to look at him.

“Good morning, Gon.” Kurapika said gently, but his eyes trailed behind the boy, expecting to see their unusual guest.

“You slept here?” 

“Of course we did! We weren’t going to leave you alone with a strange kid in your bed!" Leorio stated. "He could be a thief and try to sneak out with things at night!”  

“Of course, he did not move from the bed all night.” Kurapika interjected.  _And you two seem quite close already..._ He thought, holding back the comment. 

“Of course he didn’t!” Gon pouted childishly. Leorio rolled his eyes and Kurapika sighed.

“Breakfast will be ready soon.” He said simply before going back to work. Leorio watched Kurapika's retreating form before turning to Gon and motioning for him to come.

“Here, listen to this.” He handed Gon one of his earphones and placed the other in his own ear. “This is the original version of the song that boy did yesterday.”

Gon didn’t know what he was expecting, but he gasped in shock at the sound flooding his ear. He quickly took the other earphone from Leorio’s ear and put it in his own, listening intensely and wide eyed.

“Hey!” Leorio scowled, then rubbed at his face with defeat. “So you see? He sounds exactly like her. He must be a professional impersonator or something.” Gon didn’t listen to him, because he trusted his ears and his gut enough to know that this didn’t just sound like Killua, it WAS Killua.

Soon, Leorio pulled the headphones forcefully out of Gon’s ears and the boy yelped in slight pain, frowning at the older boy who pointed at Kurapika. 

“Would pancakes sound good?” The blonde asked. Immediately, all thoughts of the song went away and Gon’s entire being seemed to glow. 

“Really?!”

“I figured, after such heavy drinking, he’ll be feeling quite hungry and will need to regain his energies. That is, if you think you can bring him here.” Gon’s eyes flashed with determination, nodding happily.

“Of course! We’ll be right here when he wakes up!" He said as he turned to run out the door. 

"Do some of your homework!" Kurapika called out, hitting Leorio's shoulder when he snickered. 

* * *

 As Killua came around, the first thing he noticed was an awful throbbing in his head. This was to be expected out of a drinking night, and therefore did not surprise or scare him in the slightest.

The problem was what he noticed next.

He was surrounded by a strange warmth, unfamiliar but terribly….  _pleasant_. Through his dazed senses, he could make out the soft motions of fingers through his hair…

_Yeah, that's definitively not normal._

Killua’s eyes clenched before opening slowly with a slight frown. He felt terribly disorientated (mostly by the more positive elements of the scene than by the fact that he was hungover in some unknown location, which is pretty sad).

His vision cleared, and the first thing that came into focus was the face of boy. Killua blinked blankly at the sight. The boy was focusing on some notebook on his lap, tongue poking childishly out of the corner of his mouth in concentration and pencil taping against his cheek. All the while, His free hand was mindlessly petting and playing with Killua’s hair.

Killua was too dazed to feel embarrassed, instead opting for staring at the boy and his ridiculously spikey hair, which a wisp of a memory from last night confirmed that it wasn’t just bed hair. But mostly, he was near captivated by the simplicity of his expression: so exposed and innocent and  _unguarded_. It seemed so alien to Killua. He couldn’t remember the last time he personally had anything beyond a poker face or a frown.

Suddenly the memory of a laugh echoed in his mind. 

_Oh… Last night…_

That was enough to snap him out of his trance. He cleared his throat before speaking, voice cracking regardless (damn it!).

“H-hey?” The brunette’s expression changed instantly, perking up and turning to face him with the brightest of smiles Killua had ever received. 

“Good morning!” He said, so cheerfully that Killua’s eyes widened in slight surprise. He sounded so genuinely  _glad_  to see him.

 _What is this kid?_ He forced himself to turn away and instead focus on anything that wasn’t the brunette.

“Where am I?”

The boy bashfully rubbed the back of his neck with a small laugh, and Killua couldn’t help turning back to look at him as he did so. 

“It was late and you could barely walk, so I brought you to my room! This is just upstairs from the bar, do you remember?”

 _What kind of person takes a stranger into their house?_ Killua rubbed at his face in slight frustration at the boy’s eager expression. Suddenly, it changed.

“Unless… you don’t remember me?” He sounded almost saddened, and for some reason Killua felt it like a kickstart to his heart that had him looking up with a slight jolt.

“I do! Gon!” He hadn’t even thought about it before the name had rolled off his tongue with urgency. Gon sent him once again that terribly joyful smile. 

“What a relief!” He said cheerfully, giving him a playful wink.  _“Killua.”_

Killua felt his breath leave him, unable to deny simply how drawn to this person he was. He looked down at the bed for a moment, remembering the way he had curled around Gon…  _cuddled_  him... hell, he might have even nuzzled against his  _neck_  at one point. The white haired boy cursed and face palmed, but… he couldn't really find it in himself to feel regret. To his horrid embarrassment, he couldn’t remember the last time he had slept so well. 

“Killua?” Gon’s voice startled him from his moment of self pity, only to be met with a pair of concerned brown eyes. “Are you ok? Do you feel sick? Does something hurt?” The singer blinked in surprise, feeling dumbstruck. How could Gon’s expressions be so genuine?! Killua was unable to fight a smile. 

“Nah, just the common headache, but nothing I can’t handle.” He spoke with confidence, enjoying the way Gon’s eyes widened in awe. They soon became teasing.

“Alright then, race you across the hall!” Before Killua could process his words, Gon had already hopped off the bed and was running around it towards the door.

“H-hey! No fair!” Killua called out, reflexes kicking in as he eagerly followed the other boy, a laugh bubbling from his chest. 

He met him at the hall and they crossed the kitchen door at the same time with a jump, bright eyed and synchronized, catching Leorio and Kurapika by surprise. 

“I won!” Gon cheered. Automatically, Killua pulled him into a headlock and rubbed his knuckles against his head.

“Did not! And you had a head start AND home advantage AND I’m hung over!” He chided, cheeks tight from so much smiling.

“But Killua caught up with me anyway! And he was saying the headache was ‘nothing he couldn’t handle’ in a mysterious and cool tone!”

“Wha-!” Killua pulled away, unable to fight a blush rising to his cheeks. “Don’t say embarrassing things like that so easily!”

Kurapika watched them in silent surprise, seeing first handedly the natural connection these two seemed to have. Considering all that had happened yesterday, though, he still wanted to be on his guard and consider this kid for himself and not for the goodness that Gon saw in him, considering Gon could see goodness in everybody.  _Maybe that’s exactly what this boy needs._

Killua noticed the other two people in the room with slight apprehension. Being with Gon was already new and different enough (and honestly he almost felt like after meeting Gon he wouldn’t need any other acquaintances ever), but he recognized these people as Gon’s friends, and therefore decided he had to act decently towards them.

“Good morning." Kurapika greeted evenly with a friendly smile. “We’ve prepared a heavy breakfast to restore your condition.” His eyes lingered on Gon for a second. “But it would seem you are already restored. “

“Is it true you need to eat a lot after you get drunk?” Gon asked in an innocent disregard of Kurapika’s comment. 

“Alcohol directly interferes with the appetite control in your brain.”  Leorio, the always faithful med student, answered.

“Oooh!” The brunette nodded much too eagerly. Killua fought a laugh before letting his arm fall on Gon’s shoulder and lean closer.

“That means it does.” He said teasingly.

“Yeah! Then let’s go eat!” They joined Leorio at the table and Kurapika began to set the plates.

“I better admit now that I can take no credit for this breakfast, it’s all this one’s doing.” He said nodding to Kurapika, who gave him a light swat on the shoulder.

“You bought the ingredients that were missing, that’s completely vital.”  He reputed, and they both looked at each other for a moment with a fond smile.

“Well, aren’t you two all lovey-dovey.” Killua commented offhandedly.

“Hey, watch it! You’re a  _guest_  here!”  Leorio barked. Killua did not look impressed. 

“If I remember correctly, you three practically kidnapped me.”

“And how would you remember correctly when you were so terribly  _inhibited_?”

“That’s victim blaming, old man!”

“I’m  _not_  an old man! I’m 21!” Killua’s face went from cocky to absolutely shocked.

“No way. You look at least 40!” Gon giggled, and Kurapika fought a smile of his own.

“Why you-!”

“Leorio.” The blonde placed a calming hand on his shoulder. “Don’t act like this isn’t something normal.” He turned to face Killua. “It happens all the time. Actually, when I presented him to my parents, they asked to speak with me in private and it turned out they were convinced I was sleeping with my boss for my job, or maybe planning on ridding some old man of his inheritance.” 

Both Killua and Gon exploded with laughter as Leorio looked at Kurapika with horror. 

“I didn’t know that!”

“But you suspected it, don’t deny.”

Breakfast went on pleasantly, the 3 occasionally chatting whenever Killua and Gon weren’t competitively stuffing their faces.

“I’m glad I made extras.” Kurapika said with a sigh as he gave up on insisting the two boys to chew before swallowing. 

As time ticked by, Killua began to feel his shoulders drop periodically. He knew it would soon be time to go back to reality.

_A reality of lies, how ironic._

“Killua.” Gon’s voice pulled him out of the beginnings of a dark mood, chasing away any remaining clouds with his sunny smile. “What are you doing after this?”

 _Whatever you want!_  He wanted to say. The white haired boy forced himself to look away and think rationally. He needed to go back to the station, where Chrollo would undoubtably be waiting for him all passive-aggressive like that. He would've definitely heard about him not making it home last night, and Killua would be  _kindly_  reminded of the importance of discretion after concerts. 

Despite the jokes, Killua felt a cold weight in his stomach. He wasn't looking forward to it. 

“I have some places to go, some people to deal with.” He said as vaguely as possible. It made both older boys frown, but Gon simply leaned forward (a little too excitedly). 

“Do you want to meet up after?”

Killua had never heard such an honest question before. Gon's nature made it not pressuring in the slightest; only hopeful. Somehow, it just made Killua want to reach out to him more.

“Yeah.” He answered genuinely, and Gon beamed.

* * *

Cheek leaning against his hand, lips pursed, Chrollo watched a recently uploaded video that already had a considerable number of views and comments.  

A video of a certain white haired boy singing at a karaoke bar. 

It was titled, “BOY IS PERFECT MACHI IMPERSONATOR. AMAZING.” In all caps like that. The man cursed under his breath as his eyes followed the boy’s movements on the stage. His performance had a ridiculous intensity that left you almost breathless. Chrollo’s fingers twitched with measured irritation.

He needed to keep a shorter chain on that boy, keep him hidden. He sighed, eyes never leaving the screen.

The reason why he had decided to use Killua as a shadow singer was not just to get an easier target audience like he had told the boy. Perhaps, if he had been older at the time, he would have realized it.

The corners of his mouth crept up, changing the screen to one of ‘Machi’s’ most recent concert. 

Anyone can look pretty and dance, it's obvious people were there for  _his_  voice. Yes, fame would have come to him anyway, but this was to control him, keep the boy tied to him. All artists that hit sudden fame are offered the skies and stars by other managers, and, in their hot headedness, end up leaving their first managers behind. The ones that started everything,  _discovered_  them, brought them out of the shadows!

 _The answer was to keep him in them._  Chrollo’s smirk held a hint of cruelty.

With this set up, Killua would be a secret: one that would belong to Chrollo and only him. The boy would never be able to change manager. For Machi it was never and option, since it would be revealed that she could not sing.  This way, the success would always be his.

But he needed to keep the boy under control.

* * *

It had already been a while since Killua had left Gon's place (house? apartment? bar-residence?) and he had still not made it to the studio. It's not like he was avoiding it... he was just... procrastinating! What kind of person would want to go to a place where they knew they'd be getting in trouble at, anyway? 

The boy sighed as he realized a day earlier he wouldn't have cared; he would have gone straight to the studio and faced Chrollo's cool words with as much indifference as he could feign, but after all of the...  _warmth_... he had been exposed to today, going back into that atmosphere just seemed unbearable. 

Of course Killua wasn't serious about that. He knew he'd be going back soon and he'd probably forget all about Gon and Gon would forget all about him... For some reason, that thought made his chest feel heavier and colder than any of Chrollo's words ever could. 

Killua had reached a plaza now, famous for it's duck lake. He mindlessly headed towards a large fountain and sat at its edge.

He didn't want to go back... but being here wasn't all that great either. He was bored, honestly.

 _Lonely._ The thought escaped him.

He cursed before he could repress the memory of Chrollo's voice.

_You can't feel alone if it's all you've ever known._

The boy shivered, forcing himself to cut off that train of thought and instead distract himself with his phone. A knot immediately caught in his throat as it opened straight to the last thing he had used it for: adding Gon as a contact. He stared at the number, feeling the weight in his chest lessen but be replaced by something else he did not recognize. Although the boy had insisted on wanting to see him again, Killua was a faithful believer in low exceptions and worst case scenarios.

 _But it's ok_ , He realized with a curl of the lip that held a hint of sadness,  _Just knowing that there are people like him in this world... it makes it worth it..._ He closed his phone, lowering it.  _Besides, people like him have no business being friends with people like me._

His hand twitched and the phone cluttered against the ground. 

_Friend...?_

Killua had not thought of that word in a long time. He hadn't even realized he had given up on the idea a while back, that he didn't try to get along with or close to anyone anymore... The boy sighed, feeling drained all of a sudden as he tangled a hand in his hair. 

"Killua!" A voice called out to him. The boy looked up for its source, and stared at it in shock.

Right across the plaza was the person he just thought he might never see again. 

Gon was waving, smiling excitedly. He was running towards him, as if genuinely wanting to reduce the space between them as quickly as possible. Killua was unable to suppress a spark of giddiness of his own.  

"Gon!" He called out, lifting a hand as if to beacon the boy towards him, afraid he'd somehow stray from his path. Killua watched the way Gon seemed so unfazed by the running, not even breaking a sweat. He suddenly had the curious thought of wanting to compare stamina in a long run. He forced the rather childish thought from his mind, and instead focused on the boy before him as he finally reached his target with no sign of exhaustion. 

"Killua!" Gon said again with that bright and happy expression that dazed the other so. "You finished what you had to do?" 

"Not... really." He admitted, rubbing at the back of his neck. "Honestly I've just been walking around and procrastinating for as long as possible." His eyes went back to Gon. There was a strange contentment in his chest just by being in the other's presence. He was suddenly surprised when Gon gave a cheeky grin.

"Want to make it longer?" He asked innocently, but it was somehow the most daring thing Killua had heard from him. The boy immediately smirked and stood from the fountain.

Killua somehow found himself admitting the interest he'd had in Gon's effortless running from a moment ago, and the boy seemed to read his mind and offer for them to run together around the lake. They found a starting place and easily fell into a same pace.

Killua asked what Gon was doing there in the first place, and the boy explained how he really liked sitting on the branches of the tallest tree next to the lake and just relax there sometimes. The two chatted for a while longer, neither of them losing breath, before Gon remembered an ice cream cart that usually parked itself nearby. Deciding (at least for now)  that they were both quite equal on stamina, Gon lead Killua to the cold treats, were the boy gave him many recommendations and made ice cream picking suddenly seem like a national sport. It was nice, Killua thought, to give such a small thing so much importance for a moment. It was distracting and refreshing. 

With their ice creams in hand, they made way to Gon's favorite tree, where Killua dared him to climb up with his ice cream somehow. Gon (who killua had previously discovered was a stubborn ball of instincts except for self-preservation) determinedly accepted and held the edge of the cup with his teeth and balanced the spoon precariously over his nose. Killua fought laughter at Gon's scrunched up face of concentration, and could do nothing but roll his eyes at the victorious cheer he made as he reached the branch.

"Your turn!" Gon called down. Killua rolled his non-existent sleeves for show before setting his ice cream cup on the top of his head. Gon giggled. "There's no way you can do that!" 

"Watch me!" 

The white haired boy couldn't remember the last time he had climbed a tree. Probably with his brother, when he still cared for things like that. Years, definitely. He had been barely a kid, although at that moment he wouldn't know what else to call himself. He was successfully making his way up, and Gon was cheering for him. Suddenly he felt something fall past his ear, and cursed with a laugh before making it all the way up.

"Aw, my spoon fell." Killua said dejectedly as he took the cup off his head to view the damage. 

"It's ok! We can share mine." Gon said with an easy smile. They sat side by side and watched the rest of the world go by under their feet.

They feel into a rhythm of taking two spoonfuls before passing the utensil to the other. Anyone watching would have been surprised at how they could laugh and talk and pass that spoon between them without even looking, thinking. Killua was never a big fan of ice-cream, but he was suddenly feeling like he could have it every day. 

His eyes lingered over Gon for a second as the boy watched a group of ducks circling the lake. He caught Killua's eye with a tilt of his head.

"You want some?" He offered, pointing at his ice cream. Killua fought a blush and took advantage of Gon's own excuse.

"Y-yeah." 

Killua was about to stretch his hand to receive the spoon, but Gon simply dipped it into his ice cream and lifted it to Killua's lips. Mind numb and chest warm, Killua opened his mouth and received the treat. Everything went on like usual after that, until Gon looked at him too and asked with a happy grin if he could have some of Killua's own. Forcing himself not to hesitate, Killua followed Gon's example and dipped the spoon into his ice cream before feeding it to the other boy. 

A few minutes later, Gon called his name with a slightly saddened look, which startled Killua.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept you away from the things you had to do. It was selfish." Killua lifted an eyebrow. "I just really wanted to spend time with you." _Oh._ Killua ignored the strange buzzing in his chest and head and answered as easily as possible.

"Nah, even if we hadn't run into each other I would have found another excuse to not do anything for a while. Besides," He decided to let go of his pride and look at Gon. "I wanted to spend time with you too." 

Gon was definitely not human, no, not with those bold expressive eyes that were optimistic and hopeful and  _good_  and much much too bright. 

They both got off the tree and stood to say their goodbyes. Suddenly, Gon's eyes widened in some sort of realization. 

"OH! I forgot to tell you!" Killua blinked blankly at the boy, not knowing what to expect. Gon grinned, expression filled with wonder. "Your singing yesterday was really amazing!" 

Killua stood there in shock as he realized that  _Gon hadn't mentioned his singing since they had met_. The only people Killua ever interacted with only cared about his singing, never about  _him_ , but Gon had just spent all day being with  _him_ , laughing with  _him_ , and wanting to be with  _him_. 

Also... Gon's compliment for some reason made his cheeks go entirely and uncontrollably warm. No one's compliment had ever struck him as much. The brunette didn't seem to notice as he continued. 

"I'm really glad I was at the bar that day, Killua!" He said whole hearted and eager as Killua watched him with wide eyes. "I'm glad I could hear you sing, and that all those people could also hear how amazing Killua's voice is!" 

He was still dazed as he waved goodbye to Gon and promised to text, as he stood there for a whole minute staring at nothing, and as he made his way to Chrollo's studio with a stupid smile on his face. 


	3. Shattered glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Denial proves to not be good for anyone's health, specially kurapika's.

The sermon was just like every other time; words leveled and cool, with undertones of awareness and unspoken warnings. Those eyes as sharp; searching for a crack, a weakness, to dig into. That video playing, showing him singing and dancing across the small bar’s stage, should have been a beacon of shame, danger, longing and fault.

And yet, those words slipped off Killua like water off a raincoat. Those insinuations seemed laughable. Those eyes challenging instead of intimidating. Those images  _exhilarating_.

“So I hope you have understood the… seriousness… of the situation.” Chrollo ended with a hollow tone. “The mistake which you have made could have cost us  _all_  dearly. You see how wrong your actions were?”

Chrollo loved to rub his mistakes in his face, repeat them to him as if to some half-witted child, Killua having no choice but to take it in silence. But he didn't feel any of this, and wondered if he was still a bit drunk because he suddenly seemed to lose any filter between his thoughts and his lips.

“I’m glad.” He stated with a grin. Chrollo, who had already considered the conversation as over, turned back to him with quiet shock. This set the giddiness in Killua’s system free. “I’m glad I sang at that bar.” He looked him in the eye, speaking with no hesitation.

With that, Killua hopped off the stool and made his way out of the room with his hands in his pockets, leaving a wide eyed manager behind.

Chrollo stared at the empty chair in silence, the image of the boy’s eyes burned into his mind. There had been a spark in them- something that hadn’t been present in a long time.

_What the **hell**  just happened?_

* * *

 

Killua walked out the studio door feeling oddly light, like he was floating, the previous scene feeling unreal. All the while, he mindlessly hummed a nameless tune.

“You should be more careful.”

He stopped at the familiar voice, smirking before looking over his shoulder. 

“Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy someone knocking Chrollo off his high horse for once.” His voice was calm but his heart was beating wildly with excitement.  _He had just stood up to Chrollo._ The tall man behind him gave a controlled snicker, golden eyes narrowed and painted lips set in a thin grin. 

“I do admit I enjoyed the show, but it would not be wise to do something like that again.”

Killua sighed and turned to face Hisoka fully. He was Chrollo’s assistant; in charge of managing his schedule, contacts, contracts, and Killua (the last part being the hardest, obviously). The boy knew for a fact, though, that he didn't just do it for work. Hisoka had taken a liking to his brother, and often kept tabs on him for  _him_  and not for Chrollo. It was kind of disgusting, but honestly Killua knew he had gotten very lucky, being able to use this to his advantage and have Hisoka as a sort of inside informant.

The man had his arms crossed and an eyebrow raised, amusement still visible in his expression. He could be handsome, Killua thought, if only he’d quit the weird clown-like makeup fetish. Also… he was just kind of a creepy person in general. He gave off weird vibes. It wasn’t much of a surprise, though, considering who he worked for.

He did ask once why Hisoka would even want to work for a jerk like that, but the other had just vaguely (and intentionally annoyingly, mind you) said that he had plans of his own. Killua wondered if he was thinking of taking over the studio somehow, and questioned whether if it ever came to that would he help Hisoka in his coup or be even more terrified and simply run away from this mad house for good.

“Oh, come  _on_.” Killua scoffed, feeling a surge of courage. “What is he  _actually_  going to do to me? I’m what he gets the big bucks for, he  _needs_  me.” 

“And that is what makes it all the more dangerous.” Hisoka’s tone was serious now. Killua looked away, refusing to let his mood be dampened. The other sighed. “Just don’t act so recklessly. Do what you’re asked to from now on. Maybe this will go without incident."

The boy looked as if he had tasted something sour. He turned back and began to walk away. 

“Whatever.”

* * *

Killua laid on the bed of his tiny crappy apartment, clutching his phone in his hand and hissing at it in frustration.

The place was paid for by the studio, purposefully located in a very empty and distant part of town to keep him out of the public eye. It also had no internet, so it wouldn’t be so easy to just go online in a whim and spill his guts out. Yes, it made the temptation a lot  _easier_  to handle.

At the moment though, he had a different problem: He had received a message a few minutes ago, and had not brought himself to read it.

He feared that it was from Gon… or maybe feared that it wasn’t.

 _It’s probably just spam text._  He hammered silently into his brain, ignoring the disagreeing excitement of his heart _. Or Hisoka with a work thing._ He even believed it could be his brother:  _that’s_ how hesitant he was to let himself hope.

As he held the phone tighter, Killua knew it was pointless to lie to himself. He was scared, he admitted, but didn’t really know why. Was it Gon’s eagerness to be closer to him? Or was it maybe  _his_  own eagerness to be closer to Gon?

He let the phone’s weight pull his hand down, hitting himself on the forehead. He stayed that way for a moment, before quickly opening the phone before he could change his mind. 

 **_My pillow still smells like you! (^ ** _ ** _ ** _ω_**_**_** ^) _** **_Gnight, Killua ** _  
_**_ **

Killua chocked on his own spit, blushing violently. He reached for the nearest pillow and pressed it so tight against his face he thought he’d suffocate. 

_How does he say things like that so easily!? Innocently!?_

The embarrassment clawing at his chest lessened enough for him to pull away slightly from the pillow and instead press against it more comfortably. He closed his eyes with a sigh, and for a moment he found himself wishing that pillow would magically turn into Gon. 

“GAH!” The suddenness of the thought freaked him out, and he quickly released the object and sat up. He groaned and held his head in his hands, taking a deep breath before his shoulders dropped in defeat. He looked back at the pillow before sinking into it once more and circling it with his arms. Phone still in hand, Killua opened it and fought a small smile as he typed.

**_Good night._ **

* * *

After that, they texted regularly. They met up on most days; Killua making excuse after excuse to run off with the brunette. He had already met the famous 'Mito-san', who disapproved of the way they had met but was otherwise very happy to see Gon make a new friend. 

He also acquired Kurapika and Leorio’s phone numbers along the way, both providing occasional conversations while mostly just prodding about his wellbeing or Gon’s location (although Leorio had taken to asking for relationship advice, which Killua had no idea why the other would think this was a good idea). It should have been a little overwhelming to go from having no one to talk to, or  _want_  to talk to, to having 3 people.  Somehow it wasn't, it just seemed right. It felt kind of as if Killua had been wearing sunglasses all his life, thinking the whole word was just dark like that without knowing that the sun was right there and that it could make everything else look so much brighter.

Gon was that sun.

Killua tried not to think about it too much, but he knew that the recent happiness he had been feeling (he had discovered that  _that_  was what the uncommon and peculiar feeling in his chest had been) was because of him. It was hard for Killua to think of anything else, though. Even when he actually did attend his vocal exercises or other work activities, he was mostly out of it.

“Hisoka.” He asked on an occasion where everyone had seemed to give up on him and had taken their break early. The manager’s assistant sighed as if he was dealing with some child he had to indulge.

“Yes?” Killua ignored his tone, too distracted by the question that had popped into his mind.

“Are you happy?”

The man blinked but seemed otherwise unaffected. He appeared to seriously think about it for a moment before giving an easy smile.

“Yes, I believe so.”

“What makes you happy?” Killua wasn’t really sure if he wanted to know what was inside that clown's head, but he thought he was the person closest to his own situation, or at least setting and atmosphere. The assistant thought about it for a moment longer.

“Nothing really.” He said simply. Killua raised an eyebrow in confused surprise. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Hm…” The man hummed teasingly, placing a delicate finger on his cheek. “I suppose I don’t have any reasons to be happy,” He explained, eyes gleaming. He sent Killua a smirk before turning away. “But it seems the most convenient thing to be.” 

Killua watched him walk away and decided that yes: they were really just a group of very messed up people.

The next day, he was late again (night texting with Gon, whoops), and this time Chrollo was waiting. For some reason, again, Killua did not feel intimidated. He listened to the man’s questioning of his actions and attitude with something akin to apathy. He watched his face as he spoke, but was flooded by images of the rolling of Kurapika’s eyes and the loud obnoxious laughter of Leorio, but mostly of Gon’s eyes and smile- directed at him and melting any coldness that Chrollo could have ever set in his heart.

“Is there something you’d like to say that would explain your behavior?” Chrollo asked quietly, watching the boy the way a doctor would a patient. Killua suddenly knew exactly what to say. The man opened his mouth to continue, but was interrupted (which never happens).

“I’m writing a song.”

That stopped Chrollo in his tracks, obviously whipping whatever he was going to say clear off his mind. His eyes widened and he nodded carefully. 

"I see. Come to the scheduled rehearsals. Other than that, your time is your own." Killua knew the man would react this way, considering all his songs the past year had been instant radio hits. He would give Killua all the space he wanted in exchange for that. 

But the more Killua thought about it, the less it seemed like an excuse. There had been a sort of melody stuck in his head lately that he found himself humming whenever he had those weird feelings in his chest. If anything deserved a song, this did. 

* * *

A few days later, Killua was waving at the bar tenders before hopping up the now familiar steps to Gon's apartment. He knocked at the door and hummed lightly as he balanced himself on the tip of his toes. The door opened and Killua was greeted by a head of blonde hair instead of brunette. 

"Oh, hey Kurapika." The boy greeted before walking into the room. "Where's Gon?" 

"He went to walk Mito-san to the station."

"So you're in charge again, huh? They should really start paying you." 

The blonde chuckled softly as he watched Killua plop on the couch. For a moment he did just this, and something changed in his expression. He quickly forced it to normal. 

"Did you plan on meeting here?" 

"Nah, at the aquarium but i thought I'd drop by and we could go together." His eyes lingered on Kurapika's face, noticing the strange tension present. They both went silent.

Hesitantly, the blonde sat across from him, smiling carefully before looking down with a frown. A moment later, he began.

“I studied music in college.” Killua listened cautiously, unsure where this was coming from or where it was headed. “I met my current roommate there, who is a professional flute player. She has uncanny hearing abilities, which is one of the qualities that made her so outstanding during her studies.”

He looked up at the boy for a second, both of their expressions unreadable.

“My jobs are varied. I compose music on occasions, and I assist with sound managing in different theaters and concert halls in the city.” Something about those words made Killua’s chest tighten in apprehension. “On one occasion, I was checking the sound system of the theater were Machi would be preforming later that day.”

Killua successfully gave no reaction to this.

“My friend accompanied me. As I checked a few things, I noticed the microphones on stage were unplugged.” His hand clenched into a fist. Kurapika's eyes followed his every move. “When I asked about this, they said she was going to lip sink and that many artist do it nowadays for the sake of being able to move around a lot and give a good show. I accepted this explanation with no further thought.”

Neither of them blinked as they studied the other.

“They invited us to stay for the concert. Having nothing to do, we accepted. The moment it began, though, my friend said the voice was definitely live.” The blonde’s eyes softened. “Killua,” His voice was gentle, and there was obvious concern in his eyes. “She is never wrong about these things.”

 _‘Just tell me’_  Those eyes clearly said. _‘You need someone to talk to about this’_

Killua cursed mentally and looked away, hesitating for only a second before standing up. 

“Tell Gon I’ll meet him there.” Without looking back at Kurapika, he marched out of the room; not wanting to see the other’s hurt or disappointed face.

* * *

The blonde sat there in silence for a minute, trying to keep his feelings at bay. He took a deep breath and stood up, walking towards the kitchen with the intention of making some tea to relax. He took out a cup and held it tightly in his hand as he set it against the counter. Images of the conflicted look in Killua's eyes threatened to drown him. 

 _That boy…_ Kurapika cursed, feeling his body start to tremble and his vision grow red. He lifted the cup and slammed it against the counter, instinctively closing his eyes as pieces of glass flew past his face.

 _It’s not fair._ He thought as he stared at his bloody hand and the glass shards around him. _He shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s not fair. It’s not right._

 _“Kurapika!”_ The blonde was still shaking badly by the time Leorio reached him. He circled an arm around him, pulling him away from the glass on the table while keeping the bloody hand raised.

“S-sorry-“ The blonde stuttered as Leorio moved him towards the sink. “I l-lost my temper. I hadn’t in s-such a long time.”

“Don’t say that. It’s not your fault.” He opened the tab and set Kurapika’s hand under the running water until the bleeding stopped. The blonde did not even hiss at the pain. Leorio let Kurapika lean on him as he carefully set the blonde down on the living room couch before getting on his knees and taking Kurapika’s face in his.

“Are you ok?” He asked first.

Kurapika took a deep breath before releasing it and reassuringly squeezing one of Leorio’s hands with his uninjured own.

“I am now, yes.” The brunette nodded at that before carefully moving the blonde’s face from side to side.

“Babe, your face.” He chided softly, fingers lingering over the would-be scars.

 _At least I closed my eyes._ He wanted to say, but he knew that would only make matters worse. Leorio went for the medical kit he always carried around, and quickly disinfected the cuts on his hand. Kurapika watched him quietly, the sight bringing back memories.

Back when Kurapika had been mentally unstable, suffering both PTSD and erratic behavior, Leorio had been doing his medical practices with a psychiatrist.  At first they only saw each other when Leorio handed the blonde his pills, but later on the psychiatrist would decide to take a break and leave his patients to Leorio.

‘Do be careful with this one.’ Leorio once told him the doctor had said. ‘He is unpredictable.’

And although they knew Kurapika had been through a traumatic experience of some sort, the blonde had never opened up to anyone about it. 

When Leorio began his sessions with him, the air was different. Their eyes would linger on each other, and Leorio found himself being genuinely concerned about this person not just as a job. He told him that one day, knowing Kurapika would appreciate the honesty, but the blonde was simply quiet.

“When is the doctor coming back?” Leorio felt hurt at those words but decided to not let them shut him out.

“Why do you say that?” Then he felt those deep brown eyes look at him with such intensity that he thought no one else’s gaze would ever rise to the challenge.

“You don’t know me.”

“I do know you.” He rebutted with certainty. They spoke every day for hours and besides Kurapika’s instinctive hostility, the blonde was one of the most honest people he knew.

“You don’t know me in  _that_  state.” Kurapika paused, looking vulnerable for the first time in their conversations. “I… I don’t want to hurt you.” 

Silence filled the room and Leorio just looked at him, unsure of what to say but knowing that the only fear he felt towards the blonde was that of losing whatever it was that had formed between them.

He scoffed with confidence, taking Kurapika by surprise.

“Don’t underestimate me! I know I may not look like much but I’m actually a  _pro hunter_.” The doctor in training crossed his arms with a proud puff of his chest, Kurapika blinked blankly at the sudden change in the atmosphere before releasing a laugh.

“Really?” He said, impressed, expression softening. “Who would have said.” He didn’t notice the way his fists unclenched and the tension left his shoulders. “I’m actually one too.” Suddenly Leorio’s eyes seemed to bulge out of his skull and his mouth hang open.

“WHAT?!” He cried out, startling kurapika once again. He quickly neared the blonde, moving to the same couch. “Are you serious?! I was just kidding! The training for that is ridiculous!” He watched the blonde with disbelieve as he fought what seemed like a giggle at Leorio’s reaction.

“Yeah it was. Not that I don't believe you couldn't have done it...”

"I'm sure that's exactly what you believe." 

One day, Kurapika missed his appointment. Well aware of the blonde's care for punctuality, Leorio was immediately troubled by it. He called the doctor, thinking maybe Kurapika had canceled with him instead. When the older man was informed, he sighed.

"He's likely having an episode. He never comes when he does." Horrified, Leorio scrambled through the blonde's paperwork until he found his home address. He drove maniacally towards the apartment, running to the annotated floor. He could hear the commotion a few feet away. The door was slightly ajar, and when he opened it he found a crying and screaming blonde, punching a wall with what was very clearly a broken hand. 

Leorio seemed to forget all his training right then and there, everything exchanged for a stab of pain in his chest and the need to near and comfort the blonde. He wrapped his arms around the shorter boy, who continue as if he couldn't see or feel him. Leorio pulled back, distancing the blonde from the wall as Kurapika kept slashing at it desperately, reaching Leorio's face at one point and hitting him right on his cheekbone but the other would not yield. He fell to his knees and pulled Kurapika in tighter, whispering soothingly into his ear and face sinking into his hair. Slowly the blonde's struggles weakened and his knees buckled, leaning against Leorio's body with sobs still wrecking through his own. 

Five minutes later, Kurapika's cries had leveled to sniffs. Leorio did not expect him to speak, but he began with no warning.

"My parents were killed when I was a kid." He whispered. Leorio's eyes widened as he realized what he was being allowed to know. "They both worked in business. They were successful. They had enemies." There was silence for a moment, Leorio closing his eyes and simply taking in the essence of Kurapika.

"I saw it happen."

The brunette released a long calming breath, and Kurapika seemed to relax in his arms, leaning closer.

"I heard them talking, those people. They'd get paid sooner if they returned with proof. They took out their eyes. They were still alive." In that moment, Leorio understood all the hostility, the anger, the fear in Kurapika's heart. He swore he wouldn't let it consume the blonde.

"They would have done it to me too if they would have found me." Leorio's body tensed. "They looked for me, called out, promised not to hurt me; then cursed at one another and said maybe they'd go look for someone else. They didn't, though. At least I think so." Leorio felt something wet against his arm and realized Kurapika was crying again, but he was calm. If anything, he looked almost at peace. "Sometimes I think I should have let them find me."

Leorio did not argue, it was not time for that. He simply tightened his hold on the blonde and fearlessly pressed his lips against the side of his head, message clear:  _I'm glad you didn't._

Leorio had bandaged his hand at that time, just like was doing now; wrapping it gently and planting a kiss on his knuckles. Kurapika watched him while he worked before forcing himself back to reality.

"Can you pass me my phone? I'd rather Gon not see me like this. It's over there." Leorio did. Kurapika pressed the quick dial and neared the phone to his ear. "Hey, Gon. Killua was just here. He just left, so you should hurry straight there and not make him wait any longer, ok? Yeah, take care."

He hanged up and stared at the phone. He didn't like hiding things from Gon, but the boy would see his state anyway later, he just didn't want to deal with it at the moment.

During that time, Leorio had gone to the kitchen to clean up the glass shards. Kurapika couldn't remember which cup it had been, and hoped it wasn't an important one (like a souvenir cup or 'number one mom' or something of that sort).

To his surprise and relief, Leorio returned with a steaming cup of tea which Kurapika took gratefully. He carefully set his hands around it, and smiled softly when he realized it was made of glass as well: a sign of trust and that everything was ok.

Leorio sat across from him, just like he had from Killua almost an hour ago. The blonde took a sip of his tea and let his tension leave him. Leorio watched him.

"What happened?" He asked conversationally. It made him sound more like a friend and less like a therapist, which Kurapika was thankful for.

"It was all me, I promise." He began with an apologetic look before continuing. "Killua came around. He was waiting for Gon, wanting to walk with him to the aquarium. It was just... seeing him like that... he really looked like just a kid. It's as if he's clinging to any ray of light he can get, so  _deprived_  of it all his life." He sighed. "I couldn't take it. I wanted him to... I don't know... open up? Not take his loneliness for granted..." He chuckled suddenly, which seemed out of place in the conversation. "But I should have realized that if this ever happens, it wont be with me." 

Leorio sat next to him and placed an arm around the blonde's shoulders, the other leaning against him. 

"It's really messed up. He's been convinced that's the way it should be, and those are always the hardest cases to deal with. If he doesn't want help, it's even worse."

"But he  _does_  want it. That's what really shook me." He murmured, looking down into his cup.

"Then he'll get it. I think we both know someone who he wont be able to refuse." Leorio said with a small smirk. Kurapika nodded, lips curling into a fond smile. 

_Yes, I'm sure Gon can do it._

* * *

It was getting late, street lights turning on and the breeze growing cold, but Killua did not seem to notice. He stood a few meters from the aquarium entrance, hands in his pockets and head lowered.

He was beginning to regret leaving Kurapika like that. Maybe he should have said something, convinced him that everything was alright. He had let his emotions get the best of him by storming off. He cursed under his breath, unable to stop thinking about the blonde's words. 

 _He already knows, why fight it?_ The thought leaked into his mind. He quickly forced it away.  _No. Stop thinking like that._

He was so troubled by these thoughts that it probably would have been impossible to distract him from them if it hadn't been for the specific person who this distraction came from. 

"Killua!" Gon greeted cheerfully, but the expression on the other's face was not lost by him. Even though it quickly changed at the sight of him, the brunette had terribly keen senses. 

"You're late." Killua smiled, but it was rather weak compared to the ones Gon had come to know. "Let's go." 

As the white haired began to turn towards the path to the entrance, Gon reached for his wrist and held him in place.

"What's wrong?" Gon asked determinedly. Killua's eyes widened in shock.

 _How did he know?_  He wasn't used to being so easy to read. At least Kurapika had had situational evidence for his deducing of Killua's emotions.  

"N-nothing! What are you talking about?" Killua pulled at his arm, not with the intention of getting Gon's hand away but to pull him towards the aquarium and regain the upper hand. Of course, he recognized that spark in Gon's eyes and knew there'd be no victory.

Gon was quiet for a second, Killua turning to look at him with a hint of fear (this guy being quiet? a storm's coming) before Gon met his eyes.

"Let's go over here." With an insistent but not forceful hold, he dragged Killua away from the path. "I was planning on showing this to you after, but we'll have to go there first." 

Killua decided not to fight it, allowing Gon to lead him away. He felt slight apprehension at whatever the following conversation would hold, but at the same time it was impossible to be rid of the strange contentment in his chest because, whatever happened, it would be with Gon. He almost dared to feel as if there was nothing he could say that would be wrong in his eyes. 

 ** _Unconditional positive regard._**  Leorio had texted him as they gossiped about the others behind their backs. ** _It's when you take in a person's actions or feelings with complete acceptance and lack of judgement no matter what they are. I've never seen someone personify it so perfectly as Gon, it's ridiculous!_**

Killua thought about this as they began to distance themselves from the rest of the crowd. They were now going uphill, and Killua realized that although he had no clue where they were headed he completely trusted Gon. 

_Trust only gives others power over you, why would you want to do that?_

Chrollo had been playing with him then, Killua knew this now. He had been trying to scare him from telling other people about his 'job', his secret.  _'Only someone who wont tell.'_  The boy had tried to say, even though no one actually came to mind.  _'Someone who I can trust.'_

But even so, those words had marked him, scarred him, become a part of him. How could he ever trust anyone,  _be_  with anyone, when he had been brainwashed for so long to think it was wrong? 

And yet now, with his hand in Gon's (because the brunette had moved his grip down), he knew he had found someone who he wanted to trust with everything he had. 

It was terrifying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this chapter is already too long, the next one will go on from here. 
> 
> (Also sorry but I just love Chrollo at the very beginning being like 'what what is this look in his eyes? Happiness? What is this alien concept and how has it been allowed to exist!')


	4. The brighter light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hisoka is a little too interested in Gon, Kurapika is everyone's mom, and Killua finally makes some choices.

The sound of their shared footsteps seemed oddly melodic to Killua. It was as if they were synchronized not only with each other but with the very beating of his heart. Killua felt in a trance, eyes tracing Gon’s back as the other led him ahead to a destination, which Killia was not only unaware of but, more surprisingly, unconcerned for.

He could have lived in this moment forever, in the simple feeling of the other’s presence and the idea that there was nothing else but the two of them in the whole entire world; just these movements, these breaths, these grips of their hands. 

But the moment did end, as they reached a clearing. Here, Gon dropped Killua’s hand and took a step away before facing him with an expectant expression that Killua couldn’t help but immediately label as childish.

They were completely alone, streets and cars far away now. Killua looked at the trees surrounding them, searching for whatever it was Gon seemed to want to show him. He instinctively glanced up, gasping.

The sky was fully starred, the way the city lights usually never allowed. Every inch of the sky seemed to be taken by a speck of light. Killua had never taken much time for these sorts of sights, and found himself struck.

Gon seemed pleased by this, and began to move away again. This snapped Killua’s attention back to the ground. Gon smiled at him and sat down on the grass, patting a spot next to him. Killua felt a tug at his chest, expression softening as he moved towards the other. Gon laid on his back, and Killua did the same, faced once again by the beautiful glow of the stars. It was impossible not to relax, and Killua felt the day’s tension ooze away steadily.

 _Yes… these lights are beautiful…_ He silently turned his head towards Gon, who was admiring the sight himself. _But I know another one much brighter._  

Gon had recognized his troubled mind and feelings, and had done this to make him feel better. He wasn’t even asking about it, all he cared about was making Killua happy.

 _Gon…_ Killua felt the need to go back to facing the lesser lights above him.

 _Sometimes you shine so bright I need to look away…_ He closed his eyes, taking a breath of the cool night air.

 _But even so…_ He stretched his hand and reached for Gon’s own, keeping his expression measured as he felt the boy grip back.

_Is it ok for me to stay by your side?_

Again, he felt the terrible desired to be closer to Gon, closer than he had ever been to any other person. As he stared quietly at the starred sky, he knew what he had to do. 

“That night, at the karaoke…” Killua stared straight up as he spoke. “I wasn’t just singing a Machi song.”

He was overly aware of the presence of Gon’s hand; like an anchor to this world, a safety net from his dark and twisting feelings and fears. He centered his everything to it.

“I wrote that song. I’m not a Machi impersonator: I **am** the voice of Machi. The real one.”

Killua finished the sentence, breathless. He thought he might laugh or cry or scream, but instead simply felt himself enveloped by a feeling of peace.

It was done.

“I know.”

It was probably Killua’s imagination, but he thought he could hear the comical sound of his own mind cracking.

“ ** _What_**?” He pushed himself up and stared wide-eyed at Gon. The other’s humored expression softened.

“I heard a recording of Machi and immediately recognized Killua.” He said as if it was the most evident thing in the world. “No one could sing like you.”

Killua decided not to argue that, because it meant that there was _something_ in his singing that Gon seemed to label as only his, and this idea made his chest feel like it would burst.

He maintained eye contact for various seconds before releasing a defeated sigh that held a hint of amusement.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Gon turned back to the sky, Killua’s eyes instinctively following his movements.

“I thought that if Killua wanted me to know, he would tell me.” The white haired boy blinked in surprise before closing his eyes and taking in the amount of faith Gon had in him.

“I see.” He murmured softly before lying back down. The peacefulness of the night seemed to dawn on him once more, and his whole body felt loose, tired, but satisfied; like he had just ended a years long fight and had won. 

He felt Gon reach for his hand once more.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

And because of years of being forced to bottling things in, of hiding such a basic part of himself from everyone, of being alienated from the rest of the world, of being distant to every other human being, of being cold and measured and cautious and quiet, of being a shadow.

Because it was _Gon_.

He realized that _he did_. He really did.

This turmoil of emotions was expressed only through a small agreeing hum. Gon’s grip tightened.

“My whole family has always been in the shadows of the music industry.” He murmured. He could feel Gon turn to look at him for a moment. “There are rules in that world, rules normal people outside the industry wouldn’t know about. My father makes sure those rules are followed. He also deals with those who don’t.”

He stopped for a moment, remembering those people that had tormented his childhood and yet had been the only ones there for him. It was always hard for him to know how to feel about them. 

“My oldest brother helps him by sneaking into different companies as manager assistant and getting all the information he needs. Another of my brothers controls the piracy network and makes sure there’s a balance between that business and the music industry. Another one is a dancer, they can get into any job they’d need and get near any artist on request. Then for me…”

Killua sighed. 

“Since I was little they were searching for a skill from me, something I could be usful to the family’s job with. Then they found out I could sing… they were so happy. For years they never let me out of the house, making me train and practice all day. They didn’t want anyone else finding out about me so they could use me as a card some day when it was most convenient. They wanted to do something big with me, guess we’ll never find out what.”

He dared a look at Gon's face, who was watching him intently. The moment their eyes met, Gon's softened and gave him a look that encouraged him to continue. 

“By the time I was 13, I had been outside of my house 4 times. Never by myself. I got angry and fought my way out. Once out, I just went a little crazy. I _wanted_ to go a little crazy. Craziest place I could think of was a bar. I just wanted to experience everything I couldn't, take advantage of this time. Yeah, that ended up getting me very drunk. It was the first time I had ever drank, and then I sang…” This pause was different, colder, like it marked the start of a regret.  

“Chrollo found me. My manager. He said I had such potential, that I could be a star. Of course I accepted. I wanted anything that would get me away from my current life, away from my family, I could be my own person.” He gave a bitter laugh.

“But things turned out very differently. I am definitely not my own person, I am _Machi_. No, not even that. Just a shadow of her. The deal I made broke my ties with my family and I’m ok with that. My brother still spies on me once in a while, whether out of his own interest or my father’s orders I do not know."

There was silence after the story was over. Gon simply looked at him, Killua wondering what he was thinking. Unknown to him, Gon was actually making the mental promise to make Killua happy.

He realized it had been his goal since the moment he had met the boy, but now he would make sure of it. 

"Killua..." Gon suddenly spoke, breaking the trance between their gazes. 

"What?" He murmured softly. He hadn't expected this moment to feel so peaceful (guilt or regret had been the expected emotions). 

"Thank you." Gon said warmly before looking back up at the sky, their hands securely linked . 

At this, Killua really knew he was done for, because Gon was simply too bright of a light, and Killua would surely end up being consumed by it some day.

He was more than ok with this fate.

 _No..._ He thought genuinely, even almost a little amused. _Thank **you,** Gon **.**_

 

* * *

 

When Gon said he wanted to see where Killua worked, he didn’t think it would mean having them sneaking into the studio the next day at 3 in the morning after making sure no one was around. Gon was giggling like an idiot the entire time, which had killua shushing him and swatting at his face with a stupid smile of his own and lips trembling holding back laughter.

Inside, Killua showed him all the fancy buttons and microphones that went into producing decent sound. Gon immediately insisted on having Killua sing while the other played with the switches, and the two boys just made an outright mess of the place. They found a room full of instruments where they drummed and failed at playing with the electric and acoustic guitars, dramatically creating concerts of their own. Killua was laughing so much he thought he would faint if not for the surge of energy that doing practically anything with Gon brought within him.

After having their fill, the two of them scurried out the doors, shushing and whispering at each other exaggeratedly, before they walked into a very familiar (for killua) figure.

“Hisoka!” The boy moaned. “What are you doing here! It’s too early! Get a life!”

The assistant ignored Killua’s comment and instead moved his head to the side to get a better view of Gon, raising an eyebrow at the sight of company.

“What do we have here?” He purred with interest. Killua immediately felt an angry burn in his chest and he glared at the older man, but before he could say anything, Gon spoke.

“I’m Gon Freecs! I’m Killua’s friend!" 

Having those words spoke so easily made Killua’s cheeks burn with embarrassment and maybe even a little joy. Hisoka seemed even more surprised.

“Friend, huh?” He said with amusement. Killua scowled at him suddenly.

“What? Think I can’t have any?”

Hisoka seemed way too interested in Gon and it was really making Killua feel strange negative emotions, wanting the boy to be as far away from the assistant as possible.

After that, Gon began stopping by the studio every day, bringing him lunch and candies during his breaks. Regretfully, Killua had to tell him to stop (even though these made him feel ridiculously giddy because food + sweets + Gon = absolute GOLD). He didn't even want to imagine what would happen if Chrollo found out about Gon, just the thought brought chills to his spine. 

Gon had been sad but not discouraged, even when Killua told him he wasn't allowed to use his phone in the studio at all (even in breaks) and wouldn't be able to contact him until they were over. 

With the unfairness of this rule fresh on his mind, Killua glared at Hisoka as the manager went through his texts. He usually just wondered who would possibly want to talk to that guy, but today he was just mentally cursing every single contact in that pho- 

“Gon asks when you’re going to be done today.”

“ _WHY DO YOU HAVE HIS NUMBER_.”

So this obviously had Killua marching to Gon's house first thing after practice. 

"He's my best link to you!" Gon insisted as Killua huffed with annoyance at his doorstep.

"Don't just give your number to people! You can't be so trusting!"

"But Hisoka is good!" The brunette suddenly perked. "He really does want to help you! I can tell!"

Killua watched him for a moment before sighing in defeat.

"Maybe. But it's not like he does it from the goodness of his heart, you know? He's just trying to stay in my brother's good books."

"So it's ok then!"

"Are you even listening!" Killua knew he couldn't win this, he rubbed at his temples. "Just stay away from him? Please? Text him as little as possible, preferably never."

"Well, someone's the jealous type." Killua turned back to scowl at Leorio, who had just entered the hallway. 

"No one asked you!" He said, sticking out his tongue. "What are you doing here?" 

"Well _someone_ , **Gon** , didn't show up to their monthly check up." The doctor said, crossing his arms. Gon gave an embarrassed laugh. 

"Sorry..." 

"It's no biggie, let's just get going to the clinic, eh?" He turned to the other boy. "Wanna come with? I always forget to offer you this, but I do free monthly checkups for all my friends."

Even though Killua wasn't a big fan of clinics and hospitals, being included in 'friends' had him unable to refuse. 

"T-thanks."

Once in Leorio's car, Killua realized this was the first time he had ever been driven by someone who wasn't a taxi driver. He was soon distracted from this thought by Gon, who challenged him to a rock-paper-sissors match, and was soon lost in the ridiculous intensity the other boy put into it. 

"Oh, by the way, Kurapika says we're coming over for dinner today." Leorio pitched in. At the mention of the blonde, Killua couldn't fight a feeling of guilt that obviously translated to his face. He caught Leorio's eye in the rearview mirror, and quickly looked away. Leorio frowned. 

"Ok!" Gon acknowledged.  "Mito-san is working late today."

"Yes, that's what Kurapika said. You coming, Killua?"

The sudden attention startled the white haired, who instinctively looked back at the rearview mirror and met Leorio's steady gazy. 

_If I say no he'll know something's off._

"Y-yeah, sure."

 

* * *

 

Killua was dreading that dinner. He didn't want to go and find out that things were awkward between him and kurapika. He didn't want to admit it, but he was so afraid to lose one of the few friends that he had. 

So he left after Leorio's check up, telling them he'd meet with them later at Gon's place.

Once he was at the door though, it was much harder for him to open it than he thought it would be. He sighed before turning the doorknob and stepping in.

Killua tried to face away from the pair on the couch as he entered, sneaking a look and trying not to catch a certain blonde’s eyes. Unexpectedly, he found him self doing a double take and flat out staring at Kurapika with a hint of horror.

“Your face!”

The blonde had small red cuts all around his cheeks, nose and forehead, the bigger ones covered. Kurapika gave him a calming smile.

“Yes, everything is alright though.” He spoke kindly, and Killua felt the guilt returning. Why did this guy insist on taking care of him? 

“What happened?” He looked at Gon, who had just walked out of the kitchen and had gone to greet him. He look almost saddened for a moment and definitely concerned.

“I will be honest. I lost my temper and smashed a glass cup against the counter.” The guilt in Killua’s chest seemed to increase tenfold, both at the fact that the blonde was being so open and trusting when the other boy didn't deserve it, and that this ‘losing in temper’ was very likely caused by their own conversation.

Killua opened his mouth but nothing came out, he hesitated before forcing the words to form.

“D-did I-?”

“No, of course not.” Kurapika said quickly. “This has been going on far before our meeting, do not worry.”

Killua looked down.

"You all knew." There was no point in hiding it now. 

"Kurapika told me about his suspicions, I probably wouldn't have added it all up. But yeah." Leorio said with an understanding look.

killia sighed, allowing himself to feel slightly amused. Gon took his hand and motioned for them to go join Leorio and Kurapika at the couch. They took a seat, and all eyes went to the white haired.

"So what are you going to do now?" The doctor asked. Killua immedietely tensed, hands clenching.

"like what?" His tone was measured, but there was an obvious warning in it. Kurapika inched forward in his seat.

"Killua, you can't keep living like this. You may say you're used to it, but that drunk outing where we met? It wasn't just something for fun: it was a desperate need to release your frustrations and emotions. You are reaching your limit."

"I know that!" He stopped, shrinking in on himself. "Of course I know that... I just..."

"Killua..." Gon's voice reached him to his very core, the concern blighting him. Killua continued looking down, but his chest ached with longing for the other. 

"You have to put an end to it." Kurapika insisted, soft but sturdy. 

"Tell everyone who you are!" Leorio said eagerly, but it all sounded like buzzing in Killua's ears as the panic began to set in. He stood up suddenly, turning towards the door.

 _"I can't do this-"_ He said mostly to himself as he made to exit the room. He didn't hear the others stand, he could only hear his own labored breathing and the poisonous thoughts Chrollo had hammered into his head for 3 years of his life, and the ones his family had the rest of it. 

His legs trembled as he moved down the stairs, and he offhandedly wondered if he would fall. He almost wanted to, but the desire to get away was greater. 

_Away from what? This situation? There is no getting away._

Killua felt like he couldn't breath.

_This is the life you made for yourself._

_No! This is what others have made of me! I've never had a chance!_

He pushed past a few tipsy clients and finally took a breath of fresh air as he stepped out of the building. 

He stood there, looking up at the sky and panting. The shine of the stars above, although fewer than the ones he had seen with Gon, began to calm him down.

_Gon..._

He felt his breaths begin to even out, and a defeated sigh left his lips. 

_People like you shouldn't be with people like me... all we are is trouble..._

"Killua!" The white haired boy felt his heart clench at the voice; both the one he most wanted to hear, and the one he most felt undeserving of.  

"I'm sorry, Gon..." Killua murmured. "I just  _can't_..."  Gon’s expression was painful to look at, so Killua had no trouble keeping his eyes stuck to the ground.

Then he felt hands on his face, and before any thought could cross his mind, he felt Gon’s lips on his own. Killua’s eyes widened in absolute shock, only half capable of taking in the other’s face and the way his eyes were closed and he was just  _so close._

It lasted only a few seconds, Gon quickly pulling away but instead of stepping back like Killua thought he would, he moved closer and pulled the other into a hug, hiding his face against Killua’s shoulder.

“I just couldn’t see you so sad. I wanted to change your expression.” Gon murmured against the fabric of his shirt. His breath felt warm. He tightened his grip around Killua as the boy remained there in shock.

"Killua..." He whispered soothingly. "You are so great, Killua.. you deserve to be seen by who you are."

It took Killua a second longer to realized Gon wasn’t just hugging him to comfort him, but to hide from him as well; afraid to see how he had reacted to the kiss, of how he would look at him now.

Killua carefully pulled the boy off him, fear quickly setting into the other’s eyes. Killua’s expression softened before leaning his forehead against Gon's. 

"You always make it sound so easy." The affection in his voice would have scared him before, but he now knew there was someone who was able to evoke so much emotion inside him after years of feeling dead.  

Gon's body lost its tension and melted into Killua's hold. They remained that way for a few seconds longer, both basking in the knowledge of their shared feelings, in the closeness, in each other.

"Ok." 

Gon's eyes snapped open, and he took a step back to look at him fully. Killua smiled weakly. 

"K-killua?" The brunette stuttered with excitement. 

"So you've decided?" 

The white haired saw two shapes reveal themselves from the shadows, Kurapika looking at him encouragingly.

Killua swallowed his doubts before nodding determinedly. 

"I'll do it."

The seriousness of the moment broke as Gon yelled brightly, throwing his arms around Killua.

"Hooray!!" He practically nuzzled his face against Killua's cheek. "Everyone will finally know how cool Killua is!" 

"I-idiot! Don't say things like that so easily!" He blushed, both at the words and affections of the other. Gon finally set in Killua's arms and giggled before looking back up at him.

"I can't help it! I just love Killua a lot!" 

Killua blushed, but mustered the courage to express himself back. 

"Not more than me." He leaned down and kissed Gon, who received him eagerly.

Leorio chuckled and shook his head, putting his arm around Kurapika and pressing him to his side.

"Kids, huh?" Once they broke apart, the doctor clapped his hands. "Ok, ok, give it up for now and make room!" He tugged Kurapika towards them and forced the 3 into a group hug, with Killua in the center.

"Oi, old man!"

"Congratulations, Killua!" 

"Congratulations!" Gon echoed cheerfully, holding the other so tightly that Killua almost fell to the side, moving the whole group and making everyone break into laughter.

In that moment, Killua couldn't help think that maybe he wouldn't regret this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally hooked up! Yay! And Killua's going to break away from Chrollo! Although I doubt everything will go as well as they hope...


	5. Kill the Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS BEEN A LONG TIME!! Sorry, life is hard, I miss writing. Hopefully we'll be finishing this story soon. Fingers crossed.

"Why can't _I_ hear it?"

The small brunette pouted, leaning against Killua insistently. The other chuckled fondly, pushing Gon back and giving him a warm smile.

"I already told you! You'll hear it at the concert!" 

"But it's your sooong, Killua! I want to hear Killua's new song!" Gon wined, leaning once again against his boyfriend's body, instinctively holding onto him. The white haired boy watched him, gaze overflowing with affection. Gon simply had no idea how special this song was to Killua, how it had come to be _because_ of him, of the emotions that he had brought into Killua's life. Killua wanted to give this song his all. He wanted to preform it for Gon at the concert, dedicate each and every note to him, have the moment be perfect. 

"Stop whining, stupid." He said softly, burying his face in Gon's hair. "Are you really 16? I'm going to check your birth certificate." 

_"Killuaaa."_

Kurapika smiled as he watched them, his eyes meeting Leorio, who was standing by the door. The older man chuckled and placed a hand on Gon's shoulder.

"Come on, let's leave these two to their work. We can get some ice cream!" Gon allowed himself to be pulled away from Killua slightly, before the singer pressed a kiss to Gon's lips and released him. 

"See you in a bit." 

Gon made a small disagreeing noise before finally going out the door, Killua still smiling. 

_Can every day really be like this?_

"Glad he's eager, huh?" Kurapika said encouragingly. Killua grinned back, putting his hands in his pockets. 

"We better make sure it's worth it!" He said before following Kurapika to their recording devices.

With Kurapika being a music major, he offered to help Killua compose his new song away from Chrollo's studio. Killua was more than grateful. He would never let Chrollo get his hands on this song, it was too precious. 

So they had been meeting every day for the past couple of weeks, turning Killua's humming and inner melody into actual sound. Killua had to admit it was very different from having a professional studio at your disposal with all its resources, but the fact that he was bringing this together with a friend seemed just right for this particular project.  

"Well so we have the most important bits done." Kurapika noted as he looked down at his list. "Lyrics, melody, beats, etc. We left off that you wanted some special effects at the beginning?" 

"Right." Killua nodded. "The effect I'm picturing is... like a sunrise. It starts with one sound, electronic maybe, but then it adds to something bigger. It's a sudden change too, that's important." 

Kurapika watched him with a fond smile. 

"A sunrise." He whispered, his brain already thinking of different ways to make it happen. This song also meant a great deal to him, seeing different aspects of Killua's life being reflected upon it; and maybe, for the first time, they were good ones. "Alright, what about this?..."

* * *

Killua stared at the phone in his hands a moment longer before glaring at it determinedly and clicking on call.

"Hisoka." He spoke after a few rings. "Get me a meeting with Chrollo tomorrow. There's something I need to tell him." There was a beat of silence. Killua thought he heard a sigh.

"What are you planning, may I know?"

The white haired boy opened his mouth, his heart beating hard against his chest.

"I'm doing it, Hisoka. I'm leaving the studio."  Silence again. Killua knew it would have been safer not to tell him, but after years of having the clown as the closest thing to the only person on his side, Killua felt like he had to. 

"... I'm sure you've thought this through." Was finally the response. Killua's grip on the phone tightened,

"I've had years to think about it." He stated coldly. More silence, being replaced by a frustrated noise. 

"Whatever. I'll try to help you however I can."

"Thanks." Killua said genuinely.

"I wont tell your brother." Hisoka added, taking the singer by surprise. He felt the corner of his mouth rise.

"You know, maybe Gon is right about you." He joked. "Did you know? He really believes in you. He's sure we can trust you to help me." 

He thought Hisoka would be thrilled and be his freaky usual self, but the other only made a strange sound in acknowledgment. 

"... Maybe I should have kept Gon away from you." 

Killua frowned, feeling uneasy. 

"Hisoka." He warned. The other acted as if nothing had been said before. 

"Alright, I'll let Chrollo know. And, Killua..." The white haired boy straightened and listened. "... nothing. Just be careful." 

Hisoka hanged up.

* * *

"It's over."

Those are the first words that come out of Killua's mouth the moment he steps into chrollo's office. The man barely spares him a glance, typing at something on his personal computer.

"Ah, took you long enough don't you think? Tell Hisoka to contact the staff to get this new song over with-"

"No." The sudden cease of typing noise was jarring. Killua's heart beat madly in his chest. "Youre wrong. The song is being recorded, but not here."

He certainly had Chrollo's attention now. They each met the other's gazes impassive. Unyielding. 

"Yes I certainly hope I heard wrong. I'll give you a chance to correct what you just said." The man stated in that infuriatingly familiar tone that would make Killua shrink instinctively, make him feel stupid and just _so_ incredibly helpless. 

Not anymore. 

"I'm leaving." He stood his ground. "I'm done here."

He held Chrollo's gaze for what felt like years. Finally the man had the nerve to smirk. 

 _Stop looking down at me!_ Killua could barely stop himself from screaming. The man spoke. 

"You can't possibly think it's that easy, Killua?" He seemed to shake his head at him, as if he was dealing with some small child. "You must have enough wit to realize that there's policies, _rules_ , keeping you right where you are. Contracts cannot simply be broken on a tantrum." Killua clenched his fist, realizing his hands were shaking violently. 

 _"I'm not the sad, gullible 13 year old kid you meet at a fucking bar anymore!_ " He roared. "You think I don't know what you did? Nobody outside of this building knows about this! About me! You got _nobody_ evolved! You wouldn't fucking risk somebody else taking advantage of _your_ discovery. Couldn't risk somebody wanting to offer me something better could you?! No. There's **nothing** except your poisonous words." Killua took a long shaky breath. "You have **nothing** holding me here." 

He saw the tension in Chrollo's body and knew that it was truly over. Anger began to seep into the older man's impassive his mask.

"You owe me a song." He whispered. "Record one last song and I'll allow you to end this properly-"

"I owe you nothing." The boy whispered back furiously. "With that logic, you owe me 3 years of my life. I wont be here a second longer. This song will never be yours."

Killua turned to leave, barely hearing Chrollo's parting words. 

"I made you a deal all those yours ago. A deal _you_ agreed to." His voice was shaking now. "Whatever happens after this, it's on nobody but you."

Killua felt the adrenaline rushing through his veins as he stepped out of the door. 

"Bring it on." 

* * *

 

"I'm so proud of you Killua." Gon said for the thousand time as he nuzzled Killua's face under their shared blanket. The white haired boy was still not tired of hearing it.

"It's incredible. I still can't believe it's over." He murmured giddily, reciprocating Gon's movements eagerly. In that moment, safe in the warmth of the blanket and their shared feelings, Killua felt like they were in their own little perfect world- like nothing could reach them if only they remained under that soft fabric together. 

But quickly the illusion was broken by the sound of Kurapika and Leorio's rushing steps towards them. 

"The announcement is on!" The blonde yelled, slamming the door open. The two younger boys stuck their heads out of the blanket and quickly turned to look at the TV in the corner of Gon's room as Leorio switched the apparatus on and set it to the right channel. 

They had been able to get a spot advertising the event where Killua would reveal himself. It would be at a medium sized concert hall that they had been able to book thanks to Kurapika's contacts and some underwater help form Hisoka as well. 

In fact, thanks to Hisoka and his contacts, he had been able to subtly spread the word that any true Machi fan could _definitely_ not miss the event. With this statement out in the open the official Machi representatives could not discredit it, for Killua was sure Chrollo knew that acknowledging the event in any way would only bring more attention to it. With the way it was now, mysterious and full of gossip, it already held a lot of people's interest. 

 _Hisoka can be pretty brilliant sometimes_ _._ Killua thought silently, pressing the blanket closer. They watched the advertisement together, Gon holding Killua's hand the whole time.

* * *

It was only a few days before the event.

Kurapika said he needed to go to the concert hall to check on a few things, and the rest of the group decided to go along. Walking outside of where the concert would take place felt unreal to Killua. That would be the place where Killua would finally let go of all that had chained him for years. Where he would reveal his true self. It made him shiver with anticipation. 

Kurapika and Killua walked side by side, the blonde pointing out certain details about the coming event, while killua nodded absentmindedly once in a while, all too lost in his own thoughts to pay attention. Gon chuckled fondly, observing him a few step backs next to Leorio. They walked calmly along the street, towards the concert building, when Gon's phone began to ring. The brunette blinked, pulling it out of his pocket and against his ear. A greeting had barely left his lips when he heard Hisoka's panicked voice.

 _"GON, GET HIM OUT OF THERE! THEY'RE GOING TO SHOOT HIM, GON, THEY'RE GOING TO-"_ Gon's mind couldn't register anything after that- not the way his phone dropped out of his hands, or his legs moved under him, or the way he pushed the person he loved most in the world onto the ground, or the bullet that went through his chest. 

For Killua, confusion became ice cold horror as the sound of a gunshot rang through the air. People screamed, including him, because _**G** **on** , was Gon ok, was Gon- _

He looked up from the ground just in time to see Gon's body begin to crumble towards him. Killua screamed again as the adrenaline in his body brought him up to catch the falling boy. Immediately his strength left him and his knees buckled as he held Gon's limp form against him, blood seeping onto his clothing at a rapid pace. 

Kurapika and Leorio were already moving around them getting help and preparing to attend to the dying boy in Killua's arms, but to Killua it was all white noise. The rest of the world felt like static on a television, the only thing on focus was Gon before him. The brunette's misty gaze met his, and Gon gave him a weak smile. 

'"K-killua..." He whispered, the single sound somehow still full of love and warmth. Killua hadn't realize he was crying until that moment, when his eyes widened in panic as Gon began to let his own slip closed. He screamed Gon's name over and over. 

A limp hand fell onto the pavement. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry...  
> (Also, just one more chapter!)


End file.
